It is once again Free Fiction Friday because we have hit June already (where does the time go?) and it's the first Friday. Every month Soph and I produce a free short story for the members of our newsletter to say thank you for sticking with us. These stories range from ghost stories to sci-fi with paranormal and fantasy in there too, so there is something for everyone.
This month we have contemporary fantasy with a good side of humour.
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Free Fiction Friday for June 2018
Title: Shower of Destiny Author: Natasha Duncan-Drake Genre: contemporary fantasy, humour Length: Short Story Description: Destiny is never easy to deal with, especially when it involves being accosted while naked.
It's far too cold for March! Today I have a free read for everyone to raise a laugh and keep us all warm. It's the first Friday of the month which means Free Fiction Friday.
At Wittegen Press we like to make our newsletter subscribers happy, so every month we give away a free short story. If you're not a member yet, don't worry, it's very easy to join—just fill in the form at the bottom of the page and check your email. Even if you miss the announcement email to the list, the password for this month's short story is in the welcome email when you sign up.
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This Month's Free Short Story
Menagerie by Natasha Duncan-Drake genre: paranormal, romance, humour, lgbtq+
Sid is half-fae, but that's only part of his secret. Another part is he's also a little bit - okay a lot - attracted to Jamie of the perfect abs and lovely nature. When Sid gets over excited there's glitter and you don't usually get a lot of glitter in a zoo.
~*~
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Good morning on this snowy Wednesday. I hope you are all warm and safe. Thanks to dear old Valentine, February is the month of love and Wattpad had lots of contests running. I have entered two of them and hence, today, I present 2 free short stories that have a side of romance. One is 2K words and the other is ~2.5K, so they are both the prefect length for a coffee break.
Katie's Great Nana Brenna always told the story of the cursed princess and the castle that appears every one hundred years. Only Katie ever believed it was true.
genre: paranormal, fantasy, vampire, lgbtq+, romance length: 2K words
Lorrie is about to discover she had been oblivious for far too many years. Her wife, Mags, has a really big, supernatural secret, and their neighbours aren't exactly average people either.
genre: paranormal, werewolf, lgbtq+, romance, humour length: ~2.5K words
P.S. If you enjoy the stories, I would be incredibly grateful if you would hit the vote button on the chapter at Wattpad - it's one of the ways stories become more visible on the platform. Many thanks.
So I was listening to the radio this morning as I considered getting out of bed (it's a radio alarm) and they were doing a segment on things parents told them as children. For example there was one guy whose dad told him that chilli con carne came from monsters that were hunted in the Scottish Highlands and when they were cut open chilli con carne came out.
This got me thinking. My dad tried this kind of thing with my sister and I and it only ever worked once :D.
We only ever had Coke if my dad had been to the pub (very rare) and brought us back a bottle or at birthday parties. It wasn't something that was never in the house otherwise. I can't remember if we had been asking for it or if my dear Papa just took on himself to be evil, but Soph and I must have been 5 or 6 when he tried to get one over on us.
His gambit was Coke is made from cold tea.
I know, not the world's greatest fib, but we were young and coke was a treat and this was like saying if you buried your sweets they would grow into a sweet tree (yes I tried that too, but I came up with that all by myself, I didn't need my father to try and convince me of that one) because there was always cold tea around in the bottom of the pot (no tea bags for us at that age - always loose leaf tea in a pot).
He had us so convinced that I remember actually trying some and I have to say, to a child, cold tea is utterly disgusting.
That was the first and last time we ever believed him at face value on something like that!
So, did you parents tell you things that you completely believed and then found out were heinous fibs? :)
Did you know laughing is actually good for you? It is, studies have shown that laughter can ease pain and help fight disease (or so says the Independent).
I like nothing better than a good giggle, hence the title of this blog post. Today I am going to share a few things that make me laugh.
Silly Jokes and Word Play
I like sophisticated jokes as well, but silly jokes are a much maligned source of fun. You know what I'm talking about, the jokes that make you groan as well as giggle. For example, this one was on Bones the other week:
Is it just me or are circles completely pointless?
Or how about:
Two parrots sitting on a perch, one turns to the other and says: "Do you smell fish?"
What did the fish say when he ran into the wall? Dam!
I just love the silliness and in the first one the geekery.
The Life of Brian
I laugh all the way through this film and I have seen my father cry with laughter.
Just in case you have no idea what it's about, it is Monty Python taking the piss out of organised religion. You have Brian, who is a Jew at the time of Jesus, trying to be a rebel against the Romans and gets mistaken for the messiah. It is clever, hilarious and shows just how stupid people can be.
True genius.
Michael McIntyre's Sketch about the Man Drawer
This is one of the funniest sketches I have ever seen. Just watch it and laugh :).
Terry Prachett's Pyramids
This was the first Terry Prachett I ever read and it still makes me laugh just thinking about it. I have enjoyed many Discworld novels, but this is my favourite.
From the fact that the main character is learning to be an assassin, the reverse hangover wine and the seagull; this book had me in stitches. I absolutely love it. If you like Prachett and you haven't read it, you really have to, it's brilliance condensed into a book.
Robin Hood Men in Tights
This is a Mel Brooks film and I think it's his best. It is a piss take of Robin Hood Prince of Theives and it is hilarious. Cary Elwes (you may have seen him in the Princess Bride) is Robin and he's brilliant, as are Dave Chappelle as Ahchoo and Isaac Hayes as Asneeze. Yes, you can see the level of the humour, but this one is funny all the way through.
Amy Yasbeck as Marian is pure and chaste and utterly perfect, as is Tracy Ullman as Latrine the witch. Roger Rees as the Sheriff of Rottingham is sheer genius and there are just too many more wonderful characters to mention. Even Mel Brooks doesn't make me want to strangle him :).
Patrick Stewart is in it for heaven's sake; how could a person not love it :).
This man is a genius and most of his books are hilarious. My husband has read nearly all of them and I am slowly working my way through them now as well.
I reviewed Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood pal the other week on my blog here: Review: Lamb... so I won't go in to too much detail, but this is a brilliant book. Levi, known as Biff, meets Joshua (Jesus is his Greek name) when they are six and then spends the rest of his life trying to keep Josh out of trouble. With him being the Messiah, that's not easy. The two thousand years later he's brought back to life to write a gospel for the new millenium.
The book I am reading at the moment is called The Stupidest Angel and it's very funny as well. The angel referred to in the title is the same angel that had Biff writing the new gospel and he's not that bright. He has to grant one child a Christmas wish and he messes it all up, royally.
One of the things Moore is very good at is bringing in characters he's used in other books to new ones. If you read them in order you can see characters going from bit parts to major parts and vice versa and it is brilliantly done.
For comedy, Christopher Moore is a genius.
So I have shared some of the things that make me giggle with you, please let me know some of the things that make you laugh as well.
If you would like to see what all of my posts will be about in advance, click here to see my theme post. My twin and I are also doing the A to Z Challenge over at our fantasy erotica blog: http://fantasyboysxxx.blogspot.co.uk/
Had a Tom Hiddleston dream last night and it was so weird I had to share ::g::. Beware, this is a trip into my subconscious, sometimes a very wacky place.
It started off fairly normally, a friend and I (no idea who the second person was, I just knew there was someone with me) were in London. Even though it looked much more like Amsterdam or Haarlem, wide spaces between rows of buildings, impeccably clean, lots of bright sunshine and canals (it was the canals that gave it away), my brain insisted it was London.
Over the course of a few days me and my friend kept seeing Tom, mostly in nice coffee shops. My own bias kept showing because half the time he had a glass of wine in his hand even though I know instinctively one of the sightings was at about eight in the morning. (Don't ask me how, I just knew okay! ;)) He went from blond curly haired Hiddles to current hair and back again several times during this part of the dream.
Then this is where is started to get strange.
Suddenly, for no reason my dream decided to share, I'm walking down a road with Tom. He decides to do this odd balancing act on a metal beam next to this big house next to water and then dives into the canal. At which point I had the bright idea of pointing out that I couldn't do that so how was I supposed to follow him.
He gave me a look, y'know, a Prince Hal stern look, as he got out the other side, which was kind of nice since he was dripping wet, and then did something weird with the metal work so it made a little bridge to the front door of the house. He then came back through the canal (I'm blaming a soaked Hiddles fetish) and led me through the house explaining it was the only way to the other side of the canal. At this point I started trying to work out why we couldn't use the perfectly good road next to the house, but like a good Brit, didn't think I should mention it.
Then it gets weirder.
My invisible, just-know-he/she/it-is-there friend is back and we're following Hiddles down a road towards a huge shop. He's off in front making a huge gaggle of Japanese school girls all dressed like Sailor Moon and carrying Sharpe memorabilia (no I have no idea why Sean Bean memorabelia turned up at that point, I can only think it might have been some connection like, Hiddles = Shakespeare = Macbeth = bad Sean Bean production) die of giggle overload.
Then we get to the shop and I'm like, ooh, Forbidden Planet type shop (I'm blaming Moonlettuce for this reference) and I'm all excited, but we walk in and we're in a huge train station or something, no sign of the shop at all. My invisible friend has gone again as well (probably eaten by rabid Japanese fangirls ;)) and I'm disappointed for all of five seconds because then Hiddles is talking to me again and all is well.
He tells me he's actually one of three identical triplets and we're going to meet his brothers. One's a doctor and the other is a PhD physicist or something like that and he tries to say he's the thick one of the three. So I pointed out the double first from Cambridge and all the languages he speaks and he blushes beautifully at the praise and ... the bloody alarm went off!
Title: Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ`s Childhood Pal Author: Christopher Moore Format: just about all of them as far as I can tell
Summary: Levi, or Biff as he is known was Joshua's (Jesus is the Greek version of his name) best friend from when they were six years old. He is there for all the skinned knees, mistakes and learning how to be the Messiah by travelling to find the three wise men, and in the year 2000 he is brought back to write a new gospel for the modern world.
So I supposed I should tell you what I think of this book. Well that's easy: it is brilliant.
It's even better when you know your gospels. I have evidence of this because both my husband, Rob and I have read it. Now my father is a retired Vicar, so I know a significant amount about the content of the gospels, my husband on the other hand is a bit of a heathen and knows some because I've been dragging him to church for the last sixteen years, but he was not brought up with it so it's not ingrained, as it were.
Now Rob thinks this is a brilliant book too, but there are some bits he just didn't get. For example he doesn't really know his parables, but anyone who has gone to Sunday school knows the one about the wise man building his house upon the rock. There is a point in the book where this is used and it had me falling off my bike (I read while on the exercise bike in the mornings) laughing, but Rob only found it amusing for the actual situation rather than the context.
This is what is so great about this book. It's hilarious if you know nothing about the Bible and it is even more hilarious if you do.
Christopher Moore weaves a story of two young boys, one of whom happens to be the son of God, who grow into two young men and it is engaging, funny and heart wrenching all at the same time. Everyone knows how the story is going to end, but boy does it rip your heart out.
Biff is so brilliantly human and he firmly believes Josh is the son of God, but he still tries to keep him out of trouble. Josh is naive and enlightened and loves everyone. Biff loves Josh and Maggie (the Magdalene) and never figures out enlightenment or healing or walking on water, but he's there to break Josh out of a wine jar and shave a yak. He's the foolish mortal stuck in a hotel room with an angel obsessed with soap operas trying to tell the world about his friend Josh and he is wonderful.
Yes this book pokes fun at Jewish and Christian religion, but it is done with such skill that it is brilliant. I love this book and can't recommend it more. Just in case you're wondering, it's going to my father next (yep, the retired Vicar) so he can have a read and a laugh.
Well I have been struggling to write over the last two days and have resorted to doing other tasks when that failed, but I feel the muse coming back this morning - yay! :) On the bright side I did get some stuff done that needed doing ::g::.
I have also come to the conclusion that I am a total nerd because I was watching Bones last night and it was about comedians. The joke that made me laugh out loud was this one:
Is it just me or is a circle totally pointless.
And not just once, oh no, I laughed every time someone said it.
Then again I do also find this joke funny:
What do you call a fish with no eyes.
Fsh
So there is no accounting for my taste. I love geek jokes and stupid jokes apparently.
Talking of jokes I am also reading a great book, it's called Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore. It is hilarious and touching and simply brilliant, especially if you know something about the gospels. I have nearly finished it and will do a full review when I have.
Now some of you may know that my darling husband Rob is something of a petrol head and hence a big fan of Top Gear. He has a subscription to the magazine and buys the books and the DVDs and watches the show whenever it is on, the whole nine yards. During the first episode of the season Jeremy started extracting the michael from 50 Shades and produced a book called Tremendous Tractors, which Richard then proceeded to read in the style of anything but a children's book.
Well, being a writer, my darling gave me a challenge on that first week, other things came up so it had to be placed on a back burner, but after Sunday's ep with 50 Shades again, this was born. I'm not even sorry ;).
Ricky lived in a nice house on a nice farm and drove a four by four that no muddy puddle could stop. However, his pride and joy was his tremendous tractor. It was large and red, had huge headlights and could pull anything. He was so proud of it he had a special number plate made: bravo, zero, zero, bravo, one, three, five.
It made him very happy to trundle around his farm on his tremendous tractor and he loved to spread his seed in deep furrows, but it made him sad that his best friends could not come and play. Ricky had two best friends who both had voluptuous vehicles of their own.
Jim was a praiseworthy pilot (as long as it was not cloudy or dark). He had an amazing aeroplane which could fly anywhere with its titanic thrust. It was long, with a rounded nose and was called a Probe Three, a P3 for short. It too had a special number that Jim said went with the name: November, one, five.
Ricky's other best friend was Jez who had an incredibly cool car. Jez would slip through the narrow lanes with the hard grip of rubber and a low throaty growl. It was all very exciting, but Ricky didn't quite understand Jez's number plate: Charlie, zero, Charlie, kilo, five.
One day Ricky was driving his tremendous tractor in one of his fields when he had an ingenious idea. He called Jim and Jez straight away: "Come over, I've had a brilliant brainstorm." Jim and Jez drove round straight away, Jez picking up Jim in his cool car. "We should make a television program and call it fifty minutes of voluptuous vehicles," said Ricky. "That's an incredible idea," Jez said. "But we don't have anywhere to make it," Jim pointed out (he was a very practical pilot).
"I have the long field," Ricky said, "that has the Dutch barn with the cap surrounded by bushes at the end." "We could really get up some super speed," Jez agreed. "It's too wet," Jim said, "and I can't land my amazing aeroplane; it would slip and miss the Dutch barn with the cap. That would be embarrassing." "We can fix that," Ricky said and smiled a huge smile. So they did.
First of all they built a roomy runway right down the middle where Jim could land his amazing aeroplane. He had to be very careful about the P3's titanic thrust when he taxied it into the Dutch barn.
Next they built a long, thin track all the way around the runway, going from one end of the long field to the other and back again. Jez could career his cool car around it very fast. The slide of rubber on the lubricated track when it was wet was very exciting.
"What primal power," Jez exclaimed as he leapt out of his cool car; "let's put in a stupendous skid pan at the bottom so we can slip the back out all the time." "Okay," Ricky agreed. "But..," said Jim, but nobody took any notice. "And we can add a car park to match on the other side at the same time," Ricky decided and went to work with his tremendous tractor.
When they surveyed their wondrous work they decided it was good and called the television people. Men in suits came and said that it was indeed good and brought a man in white with them. Jez allowed the man in white to drive his cool car around the terrific track very fast and was most impressed. "Brilliant," said Ricky. "Superb!" said Jez. "He's ruining the tyres," said Jim, but no one was paying attention again. All was good. "But," said the men in suits, "you must also show vehicles that are not so voluptuous." "Of course," Ricky, Jim and Jez promised, but they all had their fingers crossed. So it was that a libidinous legend was born.
As the title suggest this is a set of things that from the vampire genre that make me laugh. Some make me laugh for the right reasons, some for the wrong, but I love to laugh, so I'm still happy. They aren't in any order and are by no means the only vampire things that make me laugh, but these are what came to me off the top of my head.
#1 Once Bitten is a vampire movie with Jim Carey, now I won't go into detail, but the bit I find hilarious every time is the fact the female vampire has to take blood 3 times from a virgin from as close to the source of that virginity as possible (they went for inside thigh - its not 18 rated ;)). It made me laugh the first time I saw it and every time since :), because Jim Carey reacts so beautifully each time.
#2 Vampire cats. My husband Rob loves Christopher Moore books and in CM's new book Bite Me there are vampire cats. Vampire cats that turn into mist and hunt together and create more vampire cats. They're just so absurd they're brilliant and when Rob decided to tell me all about them as he read the book, they made me laugh, lots.
P.S. Christopher Moore writes hilarious books.
#3 Sparkly vampires. I watched the Twilight movie and I actually kind of enjoyed it, but I fell out of my chair laughing at sparkly vampires. I can't help it, I find the idea utterly hilarious.
#4 The curse in Rockula. Now if a movie about a vampire who creates his own band so that he can get to his long lost girlfriend isn't silly enough, the curse in this film is brilliant. It's very funny and superbly done. Every century Ralph (our vampire lead) re-finds his long lost love, but she is curse to be killed by a pirate, wearing a rhinestone peg leg, wielding a ham bone. It is as ridiculous as it sounds.
This movie is brilliant, BTW, and I am sure I will revisit it in a later post. I feel one about comedy vampire movies coming on :).
#5 The double topped straws from Sundown The Vampire In Retreat. They make me giggle every time I watch the movie because they're just so silly, but so right for the movie.
