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Tuesday, 12 February 2013

50 Minutes of Voluptuous Vehicles - A Parody

Now some of you may know that my darling husband Rob is something of a petrol head and hence a big fan of Top Gear. He has a subscription to the magazine and buys the books and the DVDs and watches the show whenever it is on, the whole nine yards. During the first episode of the season Jeremy started extracting the michael from 50 Shades and produced a book called Tremendous Tractors, which Richard then proceeded to read in the style of anything but a children's book.

Well, being a writer, my darling gave me a challenge on that first week, other things came up so it had to be placed on a back burner, but after Sunday's ep with 50 Shades again, this was born. I'm not even sorry ;).



Ricky lived in a nice house on a nice farm and drove a four by four that no muddy puddle could stop. However, his pride and joy was his tremendous tractor. 

It was large and red, had huge headlights and could pull anything. He was so proud of it he had a special number plate made: bravo, zero, zero, bravo, one, three, five. 

It made him very happy to trundle around his farm on his tremendous tractor and he loved to spread his seed in deep furrows, but it made him sad that his best friends could not come and play.

Ricky had two best friends who both had voluptuous vehicles of their own.


Jim was a praiseworthy pilot (as long as it was not cloudy or dark). He had an amazing aeroplane which could fly anywhere with its titanic thrust.

It was long, with a rounded nose and was called a Probe Three, a P3 for short. It too had a special number that Jim said went with the name: November, one, five.


Ricky's other best friend was Jez who had an incredibly cool car. Jez would slip through the narrow lanes with the hard grip of rubber and a low throaty growl. 

It was all very exciting, but Ricky didn't quite understand Jez's number plate: Charlie, zero, Charlie, kilo, five.

One day Ricky was driving his tremendous tractor in one of his fields when he had an ingenious idea. He called Jim and Jez straight away: "Come over, I've had a brilliant brainstorm."

Jim and Jez drove round straight away, Jez picking up Jim in his cool car.

"We should make a television program and call it fifty minutes of voluptuous vehicles," said Ricky.

"That's an incredible idea," Jez said.

"But we don't have anywhere to make it," Jim pointed out (he was a very practical pilot).

"I have the long field," Ricky said, "that has the Dutch barn with the cap surrounded by bushes at the end."

"We could really get up some super speed," Jez agreed.

"It's too wet," Jim said, "and I can't land my amazing aeroplane; it would slip and miss the Dutch barn with the cap. That would be embarrassing."

"We can fix that," Ricky said and smiled a huge smile.

So they did.


First of all they built a roomy runway right down the middle where Jim could land his amazing aeroplane. He had to be very careful about the P3's titanic thrust when he taxied it into the Dutch barn.



Next they built a long, thin track all the way around the runway, going from one end of the long field to the other and back again. 

Jez could career his cool car around it very fast. The slide of rubber on the lubricated track when it was wet was very exciting.

"What primal power," Jez exclaimed as he leapt out of his cool car; "let's put in a stupendous skid pan at the bottom so we can slip the back out all the time."

"Okay," Ricky agreed.

"But..," said Jim, but nobody took any notice.

"And we can add a car park to match on the other side at the same time," Ricky decided and went to work with his tremendous tractor.


When they surveyed their wondrous work they decided it was good and called the television people. Men in suits came and said that it was indeed good and brought a man in white with them. Jez allowed the man in white to drive his cool car around the terrific track very fast and was most impressed.

"Brilliant," said Ricky.

"Superb!" said Jez.

"He's ruining the tyres," said Jim, but no one was paying attention again.

All was good.

"But," said the men in suits, "you must also show vehicles that are not so voluptuous."

"Of course," Ricky, Jim and Jez promised, but they all had their fingers crossed.

So it was that a libidinous legend was born.

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