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Monday, 23 May 2016

Fangs, But No Thanks - 10 Terrible Vampire Films #MonsterMondays 36


So everyone who has read this blog for long knows I love vampires, right? Well today, rather than highlighting some great monster, I'm going to highlight some really bad one. These are the vampire movies I own or have owned in the past that are definitely worth a miss :). Enjoy!

Fangs, But No Thanks - 10 Terrible Vampire Films

Now I will forgive a vampire films many things: bad special effects, low budget, dodgy sets, bad acting. However all of these are so bad that I can never forgive them and they all have one thing in common - they make the vampire movie boring. For that there is no excuse!

Of course, this is just my opinion, you are most welcome to disagree with me :).

Mama Dracula (1980)

I used to have this on VHS and have never bothered to upgrade to DVD.

Reasons I really dislike this film:
  • the vampire are ugly and I'm not sure it's intentional
  • the plot is pedestrian and boring
  • it's not funny and I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be.
  • Even Louise Fletcher can't save it and she's usually good at pulling a bad film out of the mire.


Vampire Knights (1988)

This is another never upgraded to DVD movie, but then I'm not sure it has ever been released on DVD.

Reasons I have never rewatched this film:
  • the effects are so cheap it looks like their fangs are about to fall out
  • the budget is so low when they move from the living room into the kitchen the lighting completely changes because I think they're using the actual lights in the room
  • there is no plot.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)

For my sins I actually have this one on blu-ray.

Reasons never to watch this film:
  • the lead actor clearly hated his wig do much that the first thing Jesus does is get a hair cut
  • there is a musical number that has to be seen to be believed
  • the plot makes no sense and requires fast forward in several places
  • there are absolutely no likeable characters in the whole thing.



Addicted to Muder 3: Blood Lust, Vampire Killer (2000)

I have this on DVD - I have only watched it once.

Reasons to avoid this at all costs:
  • I couldn't figure out what the plot was supposed to be
  • the acting defies belief
  • the budget doesn't help
  • it was just nasty.


Against the Dark (2009)

Another cheapy I picked up from Amazon and I didn't regret it as much as some of the others, but I'm never getting that hour and a half back.

There are simply two reasons to avoid this one:
  • it's not entertaining
  • Steven Seagal is pretentious and made me want to punch him.

The Bood Reich - BloodRayne 3 (2011)

Now I can take vampire Nazis as well as the next obsessive vampire fan, but this film just doesn't deliver. BloodRayne 1 & 2 are okay, 3 is not.

Reasons to give this a miss:
  • the plot just isn't satisfying
  • the acting is terrible
  • it's just not very interesting.

Embrace of the Vampire (1995  2013)

Now both of these should be good films - the plot had great potential, but they aren't. The is only one reason:
  • They are BORING!
Not even Victor Webster can save the remake and just looking at Victor should up the interest by at least half. :)

Fright Night (2011)

Considering that the original 1985 version of this film is one of my all time favourite vampire films, you'd think I'd like this one wouldn't you, but nope. I consider this film a travesty. I really wanted to love it and I didn't - at all!

Reasons I really don't like this film:
  • they wrecked the best scene in the whole movie - Ed's big moment
  • Jerry Dandrige should be sophisticated and suave, Colin Farrell plays a construction worker version of him
  • not even David Tennant could make me like this film
  • the 3D in the cinema made it impossible to watch.

Vampire's Kiss (1988)

There is one very good reason this is a bad vampire movie - that's because it isn't one.

DON'T BE FOOLED

Boring, boring, boring and not really about vampires.

Lost Boys II: The Tribe (2008)

I waited 20 years for the sequel to The Lost Boys and they completely screwed it up.

Reasons to avoid this film:
  • the plot is just a rehash of the first one
  • the rehash isn't as well written
  • the vampires aren't remotely threatening
  • Angus Sutherland is truly terrible as Shane
  • even Edgar Frog (Corey Feldman) can save it.
However, if you are a Lost Boys fan - the third on The Thirst, is actually pretty good :)

Vampire Killer Barbys (1996)

This is possibly the worst vampire film I have ever seen, and as you can tell I have seen some really terrible ones. I did not even make it through this one on fast forward, I just turned it off.

Reasons to never, ever watch this film:
  • it has no plot - it's just a vehicle for bad music
  • the effects are terrible
  • the music is worse.
Some of these are worse than others and I could easily have fitted in a couple more :). Save yourselves the pain!

Did you spot the deliberate mistake? Yep - there are actually 11 vampire films listed and I only noticed when I got to the end so you get one for free :).

Do you have any terrible vampire films you think should be avoided at all costs? :)

14 comments:

  1. Thanks for the warning! However, I think I'll have to see Vampire Killer Barbys. It calls to me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, it's you're hour and a half that you'll never get back ;) The title has nothing to do with the movie and the movie has nothing to do with anything! ... as far as I could tell.

      Delete
  2. Glad to say that I've never watched any of these. Glad to be warned off them before I err. Thanks Tasha.

    ReplyDelete
  3. These are terrible movies. Mama Dracula is so bad. Yes, I have seen most of these.

    "Vampire Happening" is another terrible, terrible movie. Avoid it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I feel your pain! :)
      Vampire Happening - now I have to go look it up just to see ... checks IMDB. I think I may have this one, just never watched it. LOL I think it may be in an anthology I bought a while ago.

      Delete
  4. Thankfully I have never watched these.

    Have you ever watched subspecies? It has anders hove and Michael Watson. Cheesy fun.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And they both played in general hospital! Soap stars! Small world.

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    2. I love Subspecies :) I saw it on TV in the early 90s and then tried to get it on VHS and DVD for years until they finally released it. It pushes all the right buttons, but I find the second and third ones less satisfactory.

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  5. Wow. So if the 3rd Blood Rayne movie you said is bad and I thought the first and second ones were bad, I can't imagine how much I'd dislike it. LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I really enjoyed the first BloodRayne (something about it appeals to me), the second was meh, but, yep, the third is terrible - really, really bad :)

      Delete
  6. This is fun. I haven't seen any of these, but am enjoying reading about them. I might need to watch Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, though. Preferably with my sister so we can make fun of it while watching. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just remember the brain bleach so you can expunge the memories once you're done watching ;) I have watched many low budget films in my time, but that is one of the very worst.

      Delete
  7. You know a film is bad when even a half-naked Rock Star David Tennant can't save it.

    I happen to have a favorite bad vampire movie: Razor Blade Smile.

    ReplyDelete

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