Welcome to Tips Tuesday 7. Today I thought I would tackle the very important topic of 'How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse' and see how prepared I am for this inevitable occurrence.
Checklist for Surviving The Zombie Apocalypse
- Learn to run like Usain Bolt.Looks down at feet and ankles...
Hmmm ... yeah ... this one might be a toughie. Can I have a Segway instead, or a really fast battery powered scooter? On a good day I might be able to outrun a George A. Romero zombie for about a hundred yards, but if they're Resident Evil zombies I'm going to need transport. I'll take a bike at a push, but I'd prefer something with a motor. - Learn to use a shotgun.Last time I held a weapon of any kind I'd be hard pushed to hit the broad side of a bus. Maybe now would be the time to take up clay pigeon shooting.
Hand guns aren't allowed in the UK so coming across one of those would be unlikely, besides, I think a 12 bore is likely to take out a zombie better, don't you think. Difficult to argue central nervous system disconnect when there's no head left. - Practise with blunt force weapons.Ooh, now this one I can do - at school I was a dab hand with a hockey stick and a rounders bat.
For the US contingent, rounders is the UK version of baseball, but it's played with a shorter bat and a smaller distance between the stumps.
I was always good at hitting things at school, just never any good at chasing around after them. Give me a rounders bat or a hockey stick, a cricket bat at a push - my dear Mama played for Kent Ladies Cricket Team in her day so it should be in my blood - and those zombies will be mine! - Stock up on canned goods.This I can do - in fact I am already banned form buying tinned carrots and tinned ham because I keep forgetting we have some and keep coming home with more. If you can survive on carrots and ham from a tin, we're totally sorted.
My husband just thinks I'm bad at remembering what's in the cupboard, but actually I'm just planning ahead ... honestly I am! - Buy a place on an island of in the Highlands of Scotland.Definitely want somewhere isolated and defensible when the zombies start to rise. Let's face it, if you live in London, when the legions of the undead stand up, you're screwed!
The Highlands would work, but an island would be better, like the Isle of Wight or the Outer Hebrides. A nice croft, already set up to be self sufficient, with its own generator and several sheep and a couple of cows.
Don't want to be dealing with zombie cattle or sheep - that would just be nasty, so the more isolated the better. Of course a zombie plague might not be transmittable to live stock - maybe the herbivores will inherit the earth... - Learn some survival skills.
It could be time to ask Steve to add in some survival tips to the personal training routine. Not much good having abs of steel (yeah right!) if I get chomped on by a zombie because I can't tie a half hitch to save my life. The street style boxing could come in handy though!
- Running - um, nope
- Guns - um nope
- Bats and sticks - got this one
- Canned goods - so totally there
- Place to retreat - need to win the lottery
- Survival skills - better get started
On the face of it, at the moment, I might just be toast. If the zombies rise tomorrow I am a dead duck, unless I can teach the cats to take out zombies. Frankly Ruby probably already has this down, all she'd have to do is her usual turn of just sitting there and they'd fall over her. Amber would need to be bribed with fish before she would do more than sit on high supervising the problem as cats are want to do.
So are you ready for the zombie apocalypse or are you a dead duck like me? ;)
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Build a team! If you don't have a gun (or cardio!), find some people who do and make friends with them now before it's too late.
ReplyDeleteIf the dead rise I'm making a bee-line home to find my dad and his hunting buddies. The truth of the matter is if anyone survives the zompocalypse it's going to be a bunch of middle-age dudes with rifles and fishing poles who can build a fire in the woods and kill and dress a deer.
Well I know my dad knows how to deal with rabbits and the like, but heaven knows if any of the family know how to catch them :). There was the time he tried to catch a chicken just to show to us kids, not to hurt it, and the chicken got away leaving my dad with only tail feathers - LOL.
DeleteGuns just aren't a much of a thing around here. I think the best bet is to co-opt some of the local farmers since they shoot pheasant in season :).
Not sure I could outrun a zombie in my manual wheelchair, but my powered one would even outpace Mr Bolt if they'd turned him. Used to be a good shot with a 12 bore at clays and game, In fact learnt all the basic hunting-fishing skills, including fly-tying - until I thought better of field sports. Was never any good at cricket or hockey, and don't have the blunt weapons. Might have to work on the other skills like stockpiling tins. Oh and North Wales is fairly remote, except for our zombie neighbours from hell.
ReplyDeleteI like the sound of your powered wheelchair - definitely be in front of pack with that. Okay, you bring the 12 bore, I'll bring the blunt weapons and Excalibur (it's been hanging on the wall for years) - we should have all bases covered then ;)
DeleteLet's see, the chances of me running like Usain Bolt are pretty slim. Though, you don't need to be the fastest, you just need to be faster than the slow guy. ;)
ReplyDeleteGuns... how hard can it be to shoot one... ? Of course, I need to actually find one. I can tie that in with a place to retreat and head north and break into some hunter's cabin. ;)
Hitting things with sticks, not that great. HATED playing softball in school.
Canned goods, I don't really have a surplus. Maybe the hunter's cabin has some.
Survival skills, I know how to pick chanterelles and blueberries in the forest. That's about it. Oh, and nettles too if I had to.
So, to sum up, I'm pretty screwed. ;) My cats won't save me either. Sally will run off and thrive in the wilderness as she goes totally feral. Jasper will probably hiss at the zombies and then try to snuggle them.
See, I'm the slow guy ;)
DeleteWe seem to need to train our cats better - or maybe just get a dog for the zombie mauling part? ;)
I've already decided if the Zombie apocalypse happens, I'm joining the zombie horde. Then I only have to worry about finding brains. I'm not going to care about anything else.
ReplyDeleteVery sensible :)
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