Welcome to Tips Tuesday 7. Today I thought I would tackle the very important topic of 'How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse' and see how prepared I am for this inevitable occurrence.
Checklist for Surviving The Zombie Apocalypse
- Learn to run like Usain Bolt.
Hmmm ... yeah ... this one might be a toughie. Can I have a Segway instead, or a really fast battery powered scooter? On a good day I might be able to outrun a George A. Romero zombie for about a hundred yards, but if they're Resident Evil zombies I'm going to need transport. I'll take a bike at a push, but I'd prefer something with a motor.
- Learn to use a shotgun.
Hand guns aren't allowed in the UK so coming across one of those would be unlikely, besides, I think a 12 bore is likely to take out a zombie better, don't you think. Difficult to argue central nervous system disconnect when there's no head left.
- Practise with blunt force weapons.
For the US contingent, rounders is the UK version of baseball, but it's played with a shorter bat and a smaller distance between the stumps.
I was always good at hitting things at school, just never any good at chasing around after them. Give me a rounders bat or a hockey stick, a cricket bat at a push - my dear Mama played for Kent Ladies Cricket Team in her day so it should be in my blood - and those zombies will be mine!
- Stock up on canned goods.
My husband just thinks I'm bad at remembering what's in the cupboard, but actually I'm just planning ahead ... honestly I am!
- Buy a place on an island of in the Highlands of Scotland.
The Highlands would work, but an island would be better, like the Isle of Wight or the Outer Hebrides. A nice croft, already set up to be self sufficient, with its own generator and several sheep and a couple of cows.
Don't want to be dealing with zombie cattle or sheep - that would just be nasty, so the more isolated the better. Of course a zombie plague might not be transmittable to live stock - maybe the herbivores will inherit the earth...
- Learn some survival skills.
It could be time to ask Steve to add in some survival tips to the personal training routine. Not much good having abs of steel (yeah right!) if I get chomped on by a zombie because I can't tie a half hitch to save my life. The street style boxing could come in handy though!
- Running - um, nope
- Guns - um nope
- Bats and sticks - got this one
- Canned goods - so totally there
- Place to retreat - need to win the lottery
- Survival skills - better get started
On the face of it, at the moment, I might just be toast. If the zombies rise tomorrow I am a dead duck, unless I can teach the cats to take out zombies. Frankly Ruby probably already has this down, all she'd have to do is her usual turn of just sitting there and they'd fall over her. Amber would need to be bribed with fish before she would do more than sit on high supervising the problem as cats are want to do.
So are you ready for the zombie apocalypse or are you a dead duck like me? ;)
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